Luge Star Suffers Career Threatening Injury Opening Beer Bottle

by Luscious Rosenbaum

REASON #1

Reprinted from Chemical & Engineering News:

"A weird encounter with a non-screw-on beer-bottle cap was
reported recently by physician Karanvir Prakash and colleagues at
Bronx-Lebanon Hospital Center, Bronx, N.Y.

"The subject, a man aged 36, was `watching a tense baseball game
on a hot summer afternoon.' He was opening a bottle of beer with
his teeth when the compressed gas inside blew the loosened cap
down his throat. Off to the emergency room. The cap had to be
removed surgically because its serrations were `firmly embedded'
in mucous membrane. The physicians' report of the episode
describes the cap carefully as `measuring 2.7 cm in diameter and
bearing the words MILLER HIGH LIFE.' The patient came out okay.

"The episode `highlights the hazard of opening bottles of
carbonated drinks with the teeth,` say Prakash, et al. They
suggest that such drinks be marketed only in cans. You could cut
your fingers, but that would appear to be preferable to a bottle
cap in the throat."

This could have been avoided if he had a
BeerClip!

REASON #2

Here's Why You Need A BeerClip

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OSLO, NORWAY – German luge champion Helmut Hermann suffered a potentially career ending injury at his hotel room last night, while opening a bottle of Becks beer. With no can opener available, Hermann attempted to open the Becks with his thumbnail. The result-- a lacerated finger tip and fractured bone.

"It's his balancing thumb," explained Helmut's trainer/publicist/mystic guru Gerhard Gunther. "The sport of luge has few requirements. You must fit on the sled and you must have both thumbs." According to Gunther, one's thumbs are a requisite means of maintaining balance. "When you feel yourself tipping over to one side of the luge sled, you stick out your thumb on the opposite side. The slight weight shift keeps you in balance."

A team of emergency technicians attended to the luge star, who was very distraught.

     "Will I ever be able to luge again?!" he screamed. The technicians failed to find his fingertip and reality began to set in all too quickly for the German. "Meine thumb is gone. I am dead, I am no longer!!" Hermann could be heard bellowing in unison with the ambulance siren.

     Suddenly, he became completely hysterical and bellowed "Ya! Ya! Becks is goot beer!!" over and over, in a futile attempt to squeeze out a last drop from his endorsement deal with the brewer.

     Hermann's injury is the fourth of its kind this week in Oslo, a city notorious for its difficult luge courses and horrible hotel service.

This could have been avoided if he had a
BeerClip!